whitey chans
by MarginalMary
Summary: The white haired boys meet for their monthly off-cam power hour. Details in header. It's a bit... more than just Allen and Sasha.


IF YOU HAVE NOT READ OR WATCHED:

1. Bleach _(which I do not own.) -- recent chapters spoilers  
_

2. D. Gray-man_ (which I do not own)_

3. Seikon No Qwaser _(which I do not own)_

4. Pandora Hearts _(which I do not own) -_- you probably don't have to know anything about this one, but the end might confuse you._  
_

THEN NONE OF THIS WILL MAKE SENSE. (It might not make sense either way, but whatever.)

**THIS ONE-SHOT SHOULD SERVE AS A WARNING: Three hour lecture courses at university will rot your brain. It's all very ironic, but still, this is what your mind will resort to creating just so you don't forget you're alive.**

I wrote this crack parody in class (obviously.) It was inspired by a number of AMV's I discovered this morning while attempting to revive my underwhelmed brain, and the song "Think Twice" by Eve 6. You should probably listen to it.

**The cereal Froot Loops is spelled "Froot Loops" not "Fruit Loops."

* * *

The white haired boys meet for their monthly off-cam power hour, each sitting on a steel barstool which magically appears as they arrive.

"Kubo is killing me," mutters one whitey-chan to the other two whitey-chans, "Seriously, I think I might be dead. Look." His bleached (hair, I mean.) counterparts observe his one severed arm and one leg severed at the knee. It's not pretty.

"It could be worse," remarks another whitey-chan bracingly, "Hoshino-sensei is always stabbing me through, obliterating my innocence, leaving me an inch from death only to be saved by mysterious forces only she understands."

"_Tremble_," rumbles the last whitey-chan, "_Kneel in terror before divine judgment_." This third whitey-chan scowls deeply, adding, "I have to say that at least every other chapter. So, you two should be thankful the only thing you have to worry about is almost-but-never-quite dying."

Second whitey-chan, Allen, snickers covertly, conceding the point.

However, the first whitey-chan, Shirou, is in the mood to argue, "You do know I'm already dead, right? I mean, in Bleach the majority of us are dead."

"Pst," murmurs the last whitey-chan, Sasha—wishing he could say something cool in Russian but neither Yoshino nor Satō can be bothered to actually learn the language. (Seriously, Seikon's Russian is... less than stellar.)

"Hey, guys!" exclaims Allen, always in the mood for lighthearted fun, "Guess what I ate for lunch today!" His eyes—the normal eye, rather—grows large and dazzled as memories of Jerry's fine fair fill his mind (Read: thought bubble).

Shirou knows better than to get Allen started on this particular topic. Beside, he's too _cool_ to care.

But the youngest whitey-chan, Sasha—he's got a bit of a complex when it comes to food--can't help himself. "Borsht? Did you have Borsht?" he asks solicitously, "Tell me it wasn't _beef_ _stew_."

Befuddled, Allen turns to the Shirou, whispering conspiratorially, "Isn't borsht Russian beef stew?"

Because Shriou is the knows-it-all type of whitey-chan—with the marked exceptions of how to use a comb, how to metabolize human growth hormone, and how to beat his opponents (He blames Kubo for all of his short comings.)—he replies, "Depends on the recipe. But if your speaking in the general sense, borsht is more of a Russian beef soup. A bit thinner than stew. Yes, definitely a soup."

"So, it's a stew," decides Allen, ignoring almost everything Shriou told him.

Meanwhile, Sasha is swept up in delusions of grandeur—it's a habit of his—wondering if Mafuyu will make borsht for dinner tonight. Hmm, if he promises to never ever ever suck on anyone else's…

Allen recites today's lunch menu, "Mixed nuts, fried chicken, 7 layer lasagna, rosemary roasted potatoes, portage, a whole box of Froot Loops, 12 grilled cheese sandwiches, bacon rolled shrimp kabobs, 23.7 cupcakes, a horse, a cart, …" Allen, the perpetually hungry type of whitey-chan, pauses to inhale.

"No watermelon?" interjects Shirou, perplexed, "Well, as long as you don't eat persimmons, I suppose we can still be, um... _'friends_.'" The image of one widely-grinning-ex-3rd division-captain-with-a-hugely-disappointing-bankai who shall remain nameless appears in a bubble above his head. "Grrrr…" Shirou is the grudge holding whitey-chan type. (Actually, they all are.)

Undeterred, Allen continues, "an even dozen scrabbled eggs, pork fried rice, 99 bottles of (root) beer on the wall, _a_ hot dog, 4 somethings-I-can't-remember-the-name-of, caramel popcorn, and 17 rusty nails."

Sasha, the utilitarian type of whitey-chan, pops up off his bar stool, his vaguely fimilar blue and red eyes lit with purpose. "Shall I remove the nails?"

Allen has a bad feeling about this, so he says calmly, quickly, smoothly, "So, because I'm older than you—in all senses—do I get credit for you having that cursed red eye? I mean, I don't want credit or anything. I like it; I think more people should have cursed red eyeballs which bleed at inopurtune moments! It's just—people are bound to talk." He grins impishly, adding, "Sasha, you're like Shirou's and my fanservice-little-brother. Very handsome and cursed to be warm on the inside and cold on the outside."

Sasha frowns darkly, the legs of all three barstools whining as he powers up.

Allen—not always as adept at fixing things as breaking them—digs deeper, "It's alright, Sasha! Shirou and I know it must be hard living in our shadow. We understand you," throwing his arms wide. Of the whitey-chans, only Allen seems to have no aversion to physical contact.

Shirou… doesn't like being called _Shirou._ Especially not in a place where the distinction "to have white hair" is moot. They _all_ have white hair. So, feeling sympathetic, Shirou interceds on Sasha's behalf, "Allen cease and desist before he does something childish."

Sasha is not having this. He snaps in his most menacing voice, pointing at Shirou—the peacemaker (?)—"You're comparing me to _him_? Toushirou Hitsugaya? He's not even a main character! He's just this little kid with a big sword who swings it around aimlessly in this overreaching plot line in which No One Ever Dies!"

Now, Shirou is doubly unhappy. He's livid. He's seeing red, which is ironic considering the fact that he is the only one without a red eye. Still, his physical condition limits his mobility—Damn Kubo breaking of his limbs and shit!

Fighting back the only way he can, Shirou grumbles, "At least _I_ am in Jump. Where do _you_ live, Sasha?"

(Enter elevator music because I don't feel like looking up which comic runs Seikon No Qwauser.)

Allen chuckles ruefully, "I guess I win then, eh?" He shakes his shaggy white hair, loving the growth. (Allen definitely looks older with longer tresses, ya dig, Kanda?) He explains, "I'm a headliner for Jump. Guess that means I…what's that colloquialism that sometimes shows up in English scanslations… '_owe'_ you guys?"

United in anger, both Shirou and Sasha seethe.

Undaunted, Allen continues, "But, you know what, guys?"

Shirou, who is debating whether or not to bring the poorly plotted Bleach movie called "The Diamond Dust Rebellion"—the other two don't have movies—into the whitey-supremacy argument, cannot be bothered to answer the question. He knows Allen well enough by now to know the DGM superstar will tell them 'what' with or without prompting.

Sasha is still new to the game, so he asks, "What?"

Allen smiles the heart-breaking-Allen-Walker-smile, replying, "We all have _one_ thing in common."

Sasha frowns, not quite cottoning on, guessing, "We all eat roughly our body weight everyday?"

Allen's smile falters ever so slightly. Regrouping, he repeats (sort of), "We all have _two_ things in common."

Shirou, bored and tired, decides to be a bit OC and actually speed the process, "Sasha, what comes to mind when the bad guy aims at Mafuyu?"

Sasha's hands clench to fists, and the feign wind begins to blow. Lit from deep within his manga soul, his eyes shine aglow. And both of Sasha's fellow whitey-chans are buffeted off of their barstools as the metal legs coalesces into a passable imitation of the Grim Reaper's scythe.

"That's right," says Allen, nodding, "The only thought on our mind when the bad guy tries to hurt a certain girl—with dark boots, greenish black hair and a crazy brother who, despite all of the other immediate dangers, will be the death of me—"

Shirou cuts across him, "—the only thought on your mind is _think twice before you touch my girl._"

"Seriously, you hear that backtrack when you fight the bads guys for your girl, too?" asks a new voice--the voice of a man walking out from the metaphorical fuzzy mist of mangaland. The effervescence smile of one Xerxes Break of Pandora Hearts appears along with the strange stuffed animal he calls Emily. "I keep telling Sharon that song plays on repeat whenever Vincent is within 100 feet of her." He bows to the distinguished whitey-chans perfunctorily, expanding, "It's very useful. Like a car alarm."

Allen turns a bit sulky because he isn't the coolest whitey-chan in the room anymore.

Break is the very definition of awesome whitey-chan.

Sasha is suspicious of this shady character—Break has that effect on people.

Unaffected, Shirou's ready to go home. Standing on one leg with two sever limbs oozing blood isn't easy. Still, he's a youngest, shortest, smartest, most _prettiful_ captain of them all, so he can hang on until…

"Ready to go, Lil Shirou?" asks another new voice.

All four whitey-chans turn to yet _another_ new voice ghosting out from feign yonder, wondering just how many strange white haired characters can be created before it becomes strange _not_ to have white hair.

The jovial tones belong to Juushirou Ukitake, the damaged-yet-powerful-whitey-chan (Hmm, all whiteys seem to be damaged yet powerful), who comes to carry boy-genius—the Bleach boy-genius—home. "We better hurry. That kidou barrier I set up to keep out the whitey-chan-who-is-a-disgrace-to-all-other-whitey-chans won't hold forever. (Poor Gin.)

Glumly, Allen summarizes, "He's a bit like an Akuma. I could kill him for you. I mean, I saw his Bankai in last week's Jump. I have a ray gun; it should wipe him right out."

Sasha wishes Mafuyu was here to take him home. So not fair!

Break snickers because he's just cool like that.

"Night, all," says Shirou after Juurshirou gives him a stern look for being impolite. They both vanish in a flash (step).

Allen sighs, waving, "Later guys. Keep on walking forward," fading into nothingness.

"Do not kneel in fear," warns Sasha seriously, "May your heart be strong as steel." He, too, disappears. Sasha didn't realize the only one left to hear his little parting spech is Break whose heart may or may not even exist.

So, only Break remains, which is fine with him, of course. He's been known to steal the show.

* * *

A/N: Gin's favorite food is persimmons. Toushirou's least favorite food is persimmons. --Canon fact.

I have no idea where any of this came from.

For the record I LOVE ALL OF THESE CHARACTERS. They're my favorites, actually.

I might start writing paradies like this when I'm in class just to while away the hours.

R&R (I'd be shocked if this got a single review, though. I mean you'd have to have read or at least be familiar with all of them.)


End file.
